{"id":3595,"date":"2021-08-09T06:15:14","date_gmt":"2021-08-09T13:15:14","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/myjuggler.com\/?p=3595"},"modified":"2021-08-09T06:19:23","modified_gmt":"2021-08-09T13:19:23","slug":"5-simple-keys-to-helping-your-partner-feel-heard","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/myjuggler.com\/5-simple-keys-to-helping-your-partner-feel-heard\/","title":{"rendered":"5 Simple Keys to Helping Your Partner Feel Heard"},"content":{"rendered":"<h2 class=\"blog-entry__subtitle--full\">Being a better listener is the secret to better relationship communication.<\/h2>\n<h3 class=\"blog_entry__key-points-title\">KEY POINTS<\/h3>\n<ul class=\"blog_entry__key-points-item-list\">\n<li class=\"blog_entry__key-points-item\">People can build strong relationships by becoming better listeners and improving communication.<\/li>\n<li class=\"blog_entry__key-points-item\">Being a good listener involves clarifying, reflecting feelings, attending to non-verbal cues, paraphrasing, and asking open-ended questions.<\/li>\n<li class=\"blog_entry__key-points-item\">Conflict is inevitable, but its impact on a relationship depends on whether partners feel understood.<\/li>\n<\/ul>\n<p>Strong relationships require good communication. Being a better communicator may sound intimidating, but it\u2019s really as easy a building a key skill: being a good listener.<\/p>\n<p>It sounds simple. We (mostly) hear our partner\u2019s questions, comments, stories, complaints, and helpful suggestions. But how often do we truly listen? Too often we\u2019re only superficially registering that they\u2019re talking, waiting for our chance to jump in and say what we want. That needs to change. Everyone wants to feel heard in their relationship, your partner included. For good reason too, because research shows that being a good listener is an important social skill that nurtures social connections (Gearhart &amp; Bodie, 2011).<\/p>\n<p>Improving your listening skills starts with answering a basic question:\u00a0<em>What is the simple key to improving communication with your partner?<\/em>\u00a0The answer:\u00a0<em>Give a \u201cC.R.A.P.O.\u201d<\/em><\/p>\n<p>Yes, you have to care about what the other person is saying. But C.R.A.P.O. is also a clever acronym to help you remember the five key behaviors for being a better listener:<\/p>\n<p><strong>1. Clarify\u00a0<\/strong>\u2013<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>How often are you 100% perfectly clear about what your partner tells you? Probably not that often, or as often as you think. That\u2019s not good enough. If your partner explains themselves, shares how they feel, or tells you something important, they deserve to be fully understood. No mistakes, fuzziness, or misinterpretations allowed.<\/p>\n<p>To get it right you can\u2019t rely on assumptions. To remove all doubt, just ask. Keep them talking so you can gather more information and enhance your comprehension. Along the way, your questions can also help your partner process their own thoughts and feelings. To accomplish that, we should ask things like:<\/p>\n<ul>\n<li>\u201cWhat did you mean by ___?\u201d<\/li>\n<li>\u201cAm I correct that ___ is the key issue?\u201d<\/li>\n<li>\u201cCan you give an example of ___?\u201d<\/li>\n<li>\u201cWhen you mentioned ___, what exactly are you saying?\u201d<\/li>\n<\/ul>\n<p><strong>2. Reflect Feelings\u00a0<\/strong>\u2013<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>Ok, I have to fess up. I should have named this \u201c<a class=\"basics-link\" title=\"Psychology Today looks at empathy\" href=\"https:\/\/www.psychologytoday.com\/us\/basics\/empathy\" hreflang=\"en\">empathy<\/a>\u201d but spelling out C.R.A.P.O. required an \u201cR\u201d so I improvised. That said, the \u201cR\u201d could also stand for \u201cReally Important.\u201d Of the five keys, reflecting feelings may be the most essential. To master empathy you need to realize that behind anything your partner communicates is an emotion they\u2019re hoping we pick up on. Sometimes it\u2019s super obvious (e.g., \u201cI feel completely unappreciated around here.\u201d). Other times it\u2019s not clear at all, like when your partner just gives a loud sigh or says \u201cI\u2019m tired.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>When it\u2019s ambiguous, don\u2019t ignore it. Instead, give a C.R.A.P.O. by making an effort to figure it out. Dig in to identify deeper feelings and identify them as specifically as possible. Instead of saying \u201cyou sound mad\u201d branch out to more nuanced feelings like hurt, frustration, annoyance, undervalued, or unfulfilled. If those sound hard to identify, they may be at first, but you\u2019ll get better with practice.<\/p>\n<p>It\u2019s also ok to be wrong. Even if you\u2019re off base, your partner sees that you\u2019re trying, which opens the door for them to elaborate. In fact, when it comes to empathy and relationship satisfaction, research shows that effort matters more than accuracy (Venaglia &amp; Lemay, 2019). You get points for trying.<\/p>\n<p>This is what empathy or reflecting feelings looks like:<\/p>\n<p>Scenario: Your partner comes home and complains about their commute.<\/p>\n<p>Bad: \u201cSounds awful.\u201d Or \u201cYeah, commuting sucks.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>Better: \u201cYou must be frustrated.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>Best: \u201cYou work so hard, that commute must be\u00a0<a class=\"basics-link\" title=\"Psychology Today looks at stressful\" href=\"https:\/\/www.psychologytoday.com\/us\/basics\/stress\" hreflang=\"en\">stressful<\/a>\u00a0and is the last thing you needed.\u201d<\/p>\n<p><strong>3. Attending<\/strong>\u00a0\u2013<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>Being a good listener isn\u2019t just about what you say, but also how you look. Though you may spend more time worrying about finding the right things to say, you also need to attend to your nonverbal signals. Those involve anything you do that sends messages to your partner that go beyond the words you use. It\u2019s everything you do to show your partner that you\u2019re completely present and fully engaged. Doing so shows your partner that they\u2019re important to us and helps us pay\u00a0<a class=\"basics-link\" title=\"Psychology Today looks at attention\" href=\"https:\/\/www.psychologytoday.com\/us\/basics\/attention\" hreflang=\"en\">attention<\/a>. Here are few ways to boost\u00a0<a class=\"basics-link\" title=\"Psychology Today looks at nonverbals\" href=\"https:\/\/www.psychologytoday.com\/us\/basics\/body-language\" hreflang=\"en\">nonverbals<\/a>:<\/p>\n<ul>\n<li>Sit squarely facing your partner<\/li>\n<li>Be open (e.g., no crossed arms)<\/li>\n<li>Lean slightly toward them<\/li>\n<li>Maintain eye contact (no staring at your phone or other screens)<\/li>\n<li>Have a relaxed posture (not too stiff or rigid)<\/li>\n<\/ul>\n<p><strong>4. Paraphrasing<\/strong>\u00a0\u2013 A big part of listening is making it clear to your partner that you \u201cget it.\u201d To do that, you want to recap what your partner just said to you, but in your own words. This shouldn\u2019t devolve into a word-by-word thesaurus challenge, but should be a quick summary. That isn\u2019t easy, but your efforts are worth it because paraphrasing shows you care and are fully invested.<\/p>\n<p>To really capture what your partner is saying and rephrase it, you\u2019ll need to pay really close attention and listen intently. Not coincidentally, these are two key pieces of being a good listener. Here are some suggestions to help you with paraphrasing:<\/p>\n<ul>\n<li>\u201cYou\u2019re basically saying\u2026\u201d<\/li>\n<li>\u201cSounds like\u2026\u201d<\/li>\n<li>\u201cEssentially\u2026\u201d<\/li>\n<li>\u201cTo me, it feels like\u2026\u201d<\/li>\n<\/ul>\n<p><strong>5. Open-ended questions\u00a0<\/strong>\u2013 When most people talk, you\u2019re honestly not super interested. But your partner isn\u2019t most people. Your partner deserves more from you. Show them that you give a C.R.A.P.O. by letting your partner have the spotlight. Not only that, do everything you can to let them talk and work through their thoughts and feelings.<\/p>\n<p>The easiest way to do that is by asking open-ended questions that show your partner you want to hear more. But not just any questions. You\u2019ll want to avoid simple yes\/no questions, and ones that focus on who, what, when, and where facts (though getting those right is an important part of the clarify step). Instead, pose questions that require deeper analysis. Some great options are:<\/p>\n<ul>\n<li>\u201cWhat led you to that decision?\u201d<\/li>\n<li>\u201cHow do you see this situation resolving itself?\u201d<\/li>\n<li>\u201cHow did you arrive at this conclusion?\u201d<\/li>\n<li>\u201cWhat do you think led to this happening?\u201d<\/li>\n<li>\u201cWhat was their intention?\u201d<\/li>\n<li>\u201cIf I was in a similar circumstance, what would you suggest I do?\u201d<\/li>\n<\/ul>\n<p>Every relationship has flaws. But relationship discord doesn\u2019t have to threaten your relationship. Rather, conflict\u2019s impact on a relationship depends on whether partners feel understood (Gordon &amp; Chen, 2016). When someone doesn&#8217;t feel heard, conflict is harmful, but when we feel like our partner knows where we\u2019re coming from, disharmony is less of a threat. When you use your\u00a0<a class=\"basics-link\" title=\"Psychology Today looks at emotional intelligence\" href=\"https:\/\/www.psychologytoday.com\/us\/basics\/emotional-intelligence\" hreflang=\"en\">emotional intelligence<\/a>\u00a0by taking the time to show your partner that you truly care about what they\u2019re saying, they feel heard. Being a good listener is an important life skill both in and out of your relationship. But, when our partner \u201cgets us\u201d and we felt heard, communication improves and the relationship grows stronger.<\/p>\n<p><em>This essay is adapted from\u00a0<\/em><a href=\"https:\/\/www.amazon.com\/gp\/product\/0316454710?ie=UTF8&amp;tag=gregooscicen-20&amp;linkCode=as2&amp;camp=1789&amp;creative=9325&amp;creativeASIN=0316454710\">Stronger Than You Think: The 10 Blind Spots That Undermine Your Relationship&#8230;and How to See Past Them<\/a><em>.<\/em><\/p>\n<div style=\"background: #fafafa; font-size: 0.85em; padding: 1em;\">\n<p><strong>References<\/strong><\/p>\n<p>Gearhart, C. C., &amp; Bodie, G. D. (2011). Active-empathic listening as a general social skill: Evidence from bivariate and canonical correlations. <em>Communication Reports, 24<\/em>(2), 86\u201398.<\/p>\n<p>Gordon, A. M., &amp; Chen, S. (2016). Do you get where I\u2019m coming from?: Perceived understanding buffers against the negative impact of conflict on relationship satisfaction. <em>Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 110<\/em>(2), 239\u2013260.<\/p>\n<p>Venaglia, R. B., &amp; Lemay, E. P. Jr. (2019). Accurate and biased perceptions of partner\u2019s conflict behaviors shape emotional experience. <em>Journal of Social and Personal Relationships, 36<\/em>, 3293-3312.<\/p>\n<\/div>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"<p>Being a better listener is the secret to better relationship communication. KEY POINTS People can build strong relationships by becoming better listeners and improving communication. Being a good listener involves clarifying, reflecting feelings, attending to non-verbal cues, paraphrasing, and asking &#8230;<\/p>\n<a class=\"read-more\" href=\"https:\/\/myjuggler.com\/5-simple-keys-to-helping-your-partner-feel-heard\/\">Continue reading<\/a>","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":3596,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_acf_changed":false,"footnotes":""},"categories":[10],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-3595","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-family-friends"],"acf":[],"yoast_head":"<!-- This site is optimized with the Yoast SEO plugin v23.5 - https:\/\/yoast.com\/wordpress\/plugins\/seo\/ -->\n<title>5 Simple Keys to Helping Your Partner Feel Heard - My Juggler<\/title>\n<meta name=\"robots\" content=\"index, follow, max-snippet:-1, max-image-preview:large, max-video-preview:-1\" \/>\n<link rel=\"canonical\" href=\"https:\/\/myjuggler.com\/5-simple-keys-to-helping-your-partner-feel-heard\/\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:locale\" content=\"en_US\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:type\" content=\"article\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:title\" content=\"5 Simple Keys to Helping Your Partner Feel Heard - My Juggler\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:description\" content=\"Being a better listener is the secret to better relationship communication. 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